Couch Comedy Club Pillows

I'd say you've got assertivity issues

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

'John is watching the game under protest.'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

"Fancy dyeing your hair white so everyone could see it was you who played a shocker!"

Couch and Potato

"We subscribe to five streaming services so why are we never able to see the hot new show everybody is raving about?"

'Let me get this clear. You want me to give you paternity leave before the baby is born.'

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'

"Arthur, the bird's gone and done it again."

Your problems are all in your head, Al. This time you're wrong, doctor. I happen to be lying on my keys. The problem is not in my head. It's in my left buttock.

"It's not just me, Dad. Amazon.com has never made a cent, either."

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

'I'm going to refer you to Dr. Keinsorge -- he actually enjoys this sort of thing.'

'These are my 'golfing socks'... there's a hole in one!'

'That's a full ten minutes with the TV off. What now?'

'Next on News 7...GM offers to bail out the government in the event of a shutdown...'

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

'Don't start an argument - you know how you hate intravenous feeding.'

The chefs were helping local actors who were tired of having short roles... by giving them a long loaf!

"I am a control freak."

"It's not you. It's pea."

"I want to report a race crime.'

'9K a year!? It's an outrage! At my level of attendance that's 3K per lecture!'

'It's yet another customer survey asking about our last oil change. Was it poor, fair, very good, blissful or orgasmic?'

"You know I always sit there for my keep fit programme!"

"I've seen this film ten times and it's still awful."

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

"This is for all the things you have already heard about via social media."

"I want you to be open and honest and to not leave any hair on the couch."

Hamlet

'Fair play, Bill always knows when he's had enough.'