Cosmic Humorists Pillows

Map of Solar System from Memory.

"It's nothing personal—the way things are going, we just don't need as many abductees."

The guy who led the Pentagon's research into UFOs says they're real. Whooptie-doo. What else is new? The year was nineteen hundred and forty-seven. I was on guard duty in Roswell, New Mexico. To make a long story short … we came from different worlds. Her father did not approve. But her love for me is the only reason we still have a Northern Hemisphere. I promised not to call her and her father spared the planet, is what I'm saying. I got that.

(No caption. Astronaut on the the moon looks at an outhouse with a picture of the Earth where the crescent moon would be.)

Thus saith the Lord to Earth: 'Thou art cancelled!'

If God had accidentally & simultaneously butt-dialed everyone in California

METHANE BAR

'He's a nice guy, but those tectonic plates of his really weird me out.'

'Maybe I give off a little ammonia, but at least I don't smell like people!'

'Houston, I'm prepared to land...'

"Our light bill is astronomical living next to a black hole."

"Don't worry, they normally look like little humans during the early scans."

"Good Lord! Life on Mars...adorable life on Mars!"

"Abduction 101, when abducting eggs from a primitive planet always lower the temperature in the ship!"

You too?! I go around feeling half asleep all the time also!

"Houston, we have a problem."

God Sneezes Out Creation

'You forgot to pay the gravity bill, didn't you?'

"Remember when we used to wonder if there other beings somewhere out there?"

'I don't remember predetermining THAT!'

"Up here, light is neither a particle nor a wave. It's a liquid."

C'mon, it'll be fun! I'll throw on some stars, pop in a few planets, drum up a life form or two, and this place will be hoppin'! The Big Shebang Theory.

"I'm just glad we got out before interest rates went up again."

'Before you can enter, you need to punch in the verification code so we can be certain that you're a real soul,'

"On the eighth day, God found a lot of assembly parts left over."

'You caught it, you gut it!'

'She barely made it out of the atmosphere... next!'

"Hey! If you're here to marvel at the smallness of your existence within a glorious, vast and unknowable universe, there's a line!"

'...heard the one about the Venusian, the Martian and the Saturnian?'

"If you get to the pitchfork-shaped cloud, you've gone too far."

'You've orbited the Earth in a NASA spacecraft! Wow! Me, I've jumped over the Moon...'

"Honestly, I didn't know your wife was in the shower."

Clown God

"Stupid map ... that dot must cover 10,000 cubic light years."

'I don't know which was prettier - the meteor shower or the cascade of flaming space junk.'