Corporate Skeptic Pillows

Office meeting, "I think your advertising concept is stupid, exploitative, and offensive. It's going to make us a fortune."

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

Company benefit: lemon-flavored water

Pure Research, Somewhat Sullied Research, and Totally Craven, Profit-Driven Research.

'Well, if you consider normal corporate surveillance, interrogation, and harassment 'union-busting,', nothing I have to say will change your mind.'

"You can't legislate morality, thank heaven."

"I have my standards even if they're only industry standards."

"We can't afford long term planning. We may not even be here tomorrow."

Unfettered Corporate Campaigning.

'Today the house voted for a timeline, the sentate voted for benchmarks, and Halliburton voted for staying the course.'

'We raised the price, so at least as far as we're concerned it's new and improved.'

'I could mismanage a large financial institution for far less money than he does.'

"Do you want to ruin me?! Take it away!!"

"Hal, your 'live for today' philosophy just doesn't cut it at business planning meetings."

"Our company strongly believes in giving to charity..."

Our Mission: "Who are we trying to kid? It's just one day at a time around here!"

Private health insurance company sending a get well card

'Mam, we're from the Monsanto Corporation. Your tomato plant is in violation of a number of copyrights.'

CEO quits to be with his family - not.

'Heart attack? Considering our health plan, I'd go straight to the E.R. - early retirement.'

'Downsizing through attrition will work if enough employees will cooperate and die.'

Thank you for not bouncing your IDEAS off me!

'I don't think I like globalism -- they moved our credit union headquarters to Timbuktu!'

"We've all been cross trained to be the unnamed source."

With-it Woman

"Somebody will have to talk to the shareholders. Hands up anyone who hasn't already lied to them."

Profit can be a silly thing, but your boss thinks it is everything.

"Yikes! Okay, what would profits look like if we're environmentally irresponsible?"

"Impressive! Thanks for bringing structure to our concept! It turns out, external consultants are worth every penny after all!"

'Attention - we're combining our anti-viral and anti-bacterial placebo divisions immediately.'

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

"First and foremost, I'm a healer."

"It's really a lateral transfer, Crampton, From 'Nobody' to 'Flunkie'."

Elsewhere?

Run this by the legal department, but run super fast so the ethics department doesn't see it. (Published originally on Dec. 21, 2009.)