Corporate Humor Buff Prints

"That's not what you told my screener you wanted to talk about."

'Not only can I be bought, I insist on it.'

"Good news, Turner, We've chewed you up but have decided not to spit you out."

'We were swallowed up by a multi-national.'

'I like green tea. It's the color of money.'

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

"This position has become very important to the company."

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

Businessman on stilts: 'I had to step over a lot of people to get where I am today.'

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'It has come to my attention that we need to hedge against our five-year plan.'

"Obviously some people here don't appreciate the gravity of our situation."

"The trend in tough economic times is to put off everything that doesn't require immediate action ? as this chart shows."

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"He's not really much of a leader...he just has a lot of followers."

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

'We're finding out that those 'wrongs' we made 'right' were actually right after all.'

"Would you say that the sales projections in your 3 year plan are realistic?"

'Well the good news is that we've landed some huge contracts in China!'

'Office' block tightening it's belt

"I'll show you our growth projections but only if you promise not to snicker."

'Bad news, sir -- there's a leak in our think tank!'

"But don't let my wacky tie fool you. We actually take business very seriously around here."

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"Here, we do not procrastinate, we 'table' things."

'Got to admit,as far as mission statements go, it's pretty damn bold.'

'Pick a contract...any contract!'

'Will you kindly remind the rest of the staff that I'm the managing director - not the Godfather!'