Corporate Comedy Buff Prints

'I can never remember, do you make ball bearings or pork pies?'

Boss, I've got a new idea. I think it'll quadruple our sales. Not again. I've come up with several action items that efficiently right-shore unique relationships and globally cloudify timely ideas. Speaking in business jargon doesn't disguise the fact that all your ideas are horrible. But this idea assertively exploits open-source leadership skills. You can assertively exploit that door over there.

"We're moving you up from Press Two to Press One."

"I made money the old fashioned way. I inherited it."

'Hello. Law offices of Anderson, Avery, Baer, Barton, Baston, Caggly, Cooper ... drat, who comes after Cooper?'

"You're invited to our management excursion. Come dresses as a pinata."

"Looks like we found the issue."

'Why is it that nothing ever gets done at these meetings?'

"You've got your corner office, so what more do you want?"

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

"Is this to make me feel bad for not getting you that laptop?"

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

'Now that I have your attention...'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

"This position has become very important to the company."

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

'The check is in the email attachment.'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"Welcome to the bank - you'll start at the bottom."

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

"Peter's Joint Head of Communications."

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

Businessman on stilts: 'I had to step over a lot of people to get where I am today.'

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'