Corporate Holiday Humorist Pillows

'I'm really sorry, but production costs are far lower in Korea!'

"Looks like we found the issue."

"You've got your corner office, so what more do you want?"

"Is this to make me feel bad for not getting you that laptop?"

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

'Now that I have your attention...'

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

'The check is in the email attachment.'

"Welcome to the bank - you'll start at the bottom."

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"Christmas - what a fuss eh?"

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

'I hate leaving work when I feel I could have delegated more.'

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

'The efficiency expert's recommendation is we drink more coffee!'

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'It has come to my attention that we need to hedge against our five-year plan.'

"They're having a fight over how best to handle client conflict."

"Obviously some people here don't appreciate the gravity of our situation."