Corporate Consultant Pillows

'The good news is, profits are up 74%, the bad news is, we don't know why.'

"What happened to the good old days when people just breached contracts?'

'We're going to parachute in adn do a surprise audit, but I want to keep the whole thing low key.'

Contract Mouse Trap

"This merger is to give us a better grip on our respective markets."

"Let's first run it by the boys down in corporate responsibility so that we can find out exactly how much we can get away with."

"I'll have what's left of my people get in touch with what's left of your people."

"Now that the merger is complete, how about a handshake?"

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

'A dynamite sales idea, Lou. I'm just sorry I have to notify the police.'

"In the interest of efficiency, I've turned on the hot air."

Bloato Corporation: The Soft Underbelly of Outdated Corporate Thinking for Over Fifty Years.

'Don't take you dismissal personally Jenkins. I had to fund my bonus somehow.'

'Members of the board, I regret to announce that we have just been the subject of a hostile makeover...'

'Under New Management- Everybody must go!'

'Oh, I worked hard on solutions for a time but finally realized I was cut out to be part of the problem.'

"This project was a mismanaged rush job and woefully underfunded, but we did finish it on time and under budget."

"The thing about innovation, new ideas and change is that it needs to be carefully considered, vetted and fall within corporate governance before being implemented."

'That is correct on so many levels Jenkins!'

"Bad news! That dummy corporation we set up thinks it's a person and is suing us for defamation of character!!"

"As you can see, the company's performance has been strong."

"Congratulations, gentlemen - we have achieved failure."

'Don't worry. No one else knows what they are doing either.'

"Think nothing of it Saunders - just eliminating a few middlemen."

'Sire, we fixed that problem in the sales department.'

"The numbers are horrible...that's why the parent company put us for adoption!"

"Humiliating our employees is not generating enough revenue. It's time for a new policy."

"Misery loves our company."

"Your idea may be illegal, but does it add to our profit margin?"

"We don't fire people. We make it unbearable so they'll quit."

"When they divided the office into shirts and skins, it was too macho a corporate culture for me."

"We used to do business more transparently, but it was too disturbing."

"This is Stevenson. He'll be your permanent wall of opposition."

"We haven't so much restructured our debt as given it a quick shampoo and blow dry."

The Evolution of the Bonus