Copyright Comedians Mugs

'Hey partner, you're building your brand with stolen content.'

Occu-Pie Mars

Zombie standup

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

They're Not Just That Into It

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

'A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer.'

Canned laughter for sale in Theatrical Supplies shop.

"Motivational seminars are too expensive. Just buy stronger coffee."

"You're good at asking all the right questions. Now let's hear some right answers."

'I'm looking for a workaholic who feels the great job he does is compensation enough.'

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

Aw, geez, is my fly down again? Why Superman started wearing his underwear over his pants.

Personnel. Any experience in crisis management? No...Just production.

"Right here is your baby’s infrastructure, and in a month or so we’ll be able to see the analytics."

I thought I was proposing to Sally, but evidently I was challenging her to a twenty year series of debates.

"It's going to be huge! Cheese-flavored vodka!"

'What I lack in cognitive flexibility, I make up for in moral flexibility.'

'I'm SECRET Santa, kid.'

"I absolutely guarantee your workloads will not increase."

America's funniest election gaffes

'We're looking for someone to liven up our Monday morning job meetings. Can you handle it Chuckles?'

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

A likely story - lost his waterskis in a poker game !

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

"What do I do - I'm a mouse pilot, like everybody else."

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

'Very funny!'

"Didn't you get the memo? The boss said he was bringing in some experts to help with the company's rebranding."

"I have always depended on the content of strangers."

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

"But, Jesus - you can't become an atheist."

Soldiers' Ego

Woody Allen