Contemporary Art Collector Pillows

Wagging Dog

'Your Christmas present is your very own art installation called 'Empty Boxes.''

'Somebody offered him £25.000.00 for the rag he cleans his brushes with.'

"Tracy Island offers palatial splendour in the safest of environments. Your beds are unmade because this is Tracy Emin Island."

"That's the fire alarm. . ."

Bin in the Gallery of Modern Art

Great Chinese Dynasties

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

'It's called 'Oh Bugger It!' if you must know!'

"It's a postmodern mosaic, almost lyrical in its undercurrent." "My five-year-old will be happy to hear that."

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

"In the beginning, God created, like, 300 concept sketches..."

Use your imagination.

"What the %@!!* is that?!" "Is that a leg? Wait—no, it's an arm. Wait—what?" "The frame is nice." "Whatever it is, it makes me miss Bob Ross." "Gasp!" "The intentionally lost Caravaggio"

Grim Reaper rowing a boat full of dead souls to the afterlife; a tip jar sits on the side of the boat.

Cats at private view

Dynasties - Ping, Ching, Ming.

A hammer in his den enjoying a cigar and port with his collection of trophy thumbs above his head.

"The Leonardos, the Raphaels, Titians, Veroneses, Giottos... Italy wants them back, all 427 of them."

"My wife commissioned a portrait of me."

Museum. Hours. You're donating your collection of pre-Columbian art? Yes! What's Mayan is yours!

"Caricatures $20"

"He's an abstract artist."

Art Gallery.

Sold! For £42,000 to the... No wait - it's the wrong way round!

'He knows everything about art. But he doesn't know what he likes.'

'It's a giant inkblot on loan from the psychiatrist who owns the unit next door.'

"What's most exciting about NFTs is the opportunity for dynamic new content."

"He begged his wife and kids to join him in Tahiti, but he didn't mean a word of it, the bastard."

Tommy, Math quiz. It's one of his earliest pieces.

"Thrilling news, sweetie! The National Gallery's entire collection of Velázquez is now attributed to you."

"Good, clean art from the Molly Murphy Collection"

"Definitive." "Compelling." "Persuasive." "Upside down."

"I read 'Art News.'"

Anyone would think it's Frieze week...