Consumer Research Pillows

'Today's consumer has new priorities, and it's our job to tell them what those priorities are...'

Woman is target

'As you know from the results of our first survey, 87% said, 'add more noodles'. Now, this is our second survey, to determine how many noodles.'

'It's a Zogby poll.'

The Future: "Sorry, but I have to show you an ad now."

"Unfortunately, the consumer was not as demanding as we had hoped."

"Actual results indicate that the statistical analysis of the data which projections were based on may have been wrong."

'Our strategy is perfect! This is the customers' fault - they don't think the way WE do!'

"There's a lot of uncertainty out there these days. Or not. Who knows?"

'As you can see the market forecast is quite loopy in the next quarter.'

'They say money can't buy happiness. Find out what can.'

'He'll love this cologne. It has the scent of an undervalued stock.'

'86.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water

"Unfortunately, the consumer was not as demanding as we had hoped."

Our large economy size packet hasn't been selling...it's too big to carry home.

"Your mom's not protesting sex and violence on TV...she's taking a stand against those early Christmas ads..."

'Government economists called it a 'slight market correction'.'

"We can succeed if our target audience is not made up of rational human beings."

Customer Complaints - "Thank you, Thompson, for collecting the statistics."

'After analyzing 5 petabytes of Facebook data and 800 million tweets we were able to conclude that our customers are idiots.'

'Turn we women loose in the malls - that'll stimulate the economy.'

'It has undergone a thorough research programme. I've shown it to my wife and her sister.'

"To be honest, it's the same stuff just in different bottles!"

The economy doctor

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

Advertising man saying to woman - 'Be careful. It's a real jingle out there.'

'And it comes with an accompanying dictionary.'

Lemonade Survey

"That will be $109.85." "What! Sign says they’re $1.69 each." "Yes, and you have 65 of them."

'Well the GOOD news is that the new software analyzed hundreds of thousands of potential customers to identify any that would have a genuine interest in the product...'

"We can't make the perfect product, but with a little luck and a lotta data, we can make the perfect customer."

"In my experience, cars with hyphens in their names are the best."

"Well SOME people might see it as buying a load of useless, overpriced rubbish but I see it as a brave attempt on my part to support a flagging retail sector."

"Let's be honest here and admit we're targeting the 'stupid-with-their-money' demographic."