Consumer Research Pillows

'Today's consumer has new priorities, and it's our job to tell them what those priorities are...'

Woman is target

'As you know from the results of our first survey, 87% said, 'add more noodles'. Now, this is our second survey, to determine how many noodles.'

'It's a Zogby poll.'

The Future: "Sorry, but I have to show you an ad now."

"Unfortunately, the consumer was not as demanding as we had hoped."

"Actual results indicate that the statistical analysis of the data which projections were based on may have been wrong."

'Our strategy is perfect! This is the customers' fault - they don't think the way WE do!'

"There's a lot of uncertainty out there these days. Or not. Who knows?"

'As you can see the market forecast is quite loopy in the next quarter.'

'They say money can't buy happiness. Find out what can.'

'He'll love this cologne. It has the scent of an undervalued stock.'

'86.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water

"Unfortunately, the consumer was not as demanding as we had hoped."

"We can succeed if our target audience is not made up of rational human beings."

Our large economy size packet hasn't been selling...it's too big to carry home.

"Your mom's not protesting sex and violence on TV...she's taking a stand against those early Christmas ads..."

'Government economists called it a 'slight market correction'.'

Customer Complaints - "Thank you, Thompson, for collecting the statistics."

'After analyzing 5 petabytes of Facebook data and 800 million tweets we were able to conclude that our customers are idiots.'

'It has undergone a thorough research programme. I've shown it to my wife and her sister.'

"To be honest, it's the same stuff just in different bottles!"

The economy doctor

'Turn we women loose in the malls - that'll stimulate the economy.'

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

'And it comes with an accompanying dictionary.'

Lemonade Survey

Advertising man saying to woman - 'Be careful. It's a real jingle out there.'

Economic Think Tank. Some of my data says the economy is getting better and some says it's getting worse! So just report that the economy is humming along but you're not sure what tune it's playing.

"We can't make the perfect product, but with a little luck and a lotta data, we can make the perfect customer."

"Well SOME people might see it as buying a load of useless, overpriced rubbish but I see it as a brave attempt on my part to support a flagging retail sector."

'Well the GOOD news is that the new software analyzed hundreds of thousands of potential customers to identify any that would have a genuine interest in the product...'

"In my experience, cars with hyphens in their names are the best."

"That will be $109.85." "What! Sign says they’re $1.69 each." "Yes, and you have 65 of them."