Conservative Collector T-Shirts

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

"If it doesn't happen on Facebook, it didn't happen."

'It's genuine 17th century satsuma - and the pair would have been worth ?14,000.'

'Heirloom Tiffany Lamp Delivery. I Brake for Everything.'

Letter Collecting Nerd

His cubicle had come to be known as 'Teddy Bear Heaven'.

"Apparently the Ebola virus can make your ears bleed."

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'

'... Going once...going twice...aaaand--sold! To the gentleman in the front row for a thousand words.'

"Twenty-five thousand, do I hear thirty thousand? Let me remind you all - this is the last Thin Mint cookie in the sleeve..."

"Fetch, Ernie, fetch!"

"I'm sorry, I can't assist with this request."

"I wonder what this was for."

The Daily Fury

"It's a flip phone. I guess we can document this as an ancient, archaeological discovery."

'How old is this vase?'

'...but the good new is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

"Hmm interesting Hallmark..."

'This is Ian, my new boyfriend. Did I mention he was a record holder?'

"I never expected you to pay through the nose."

'Your entire library consists of nothing but tabloids bound in Corinthian leather?'

'Stamp auction' WW2 Victory stamps on two fingers

Pawnshop: Genuine Fake Watches.

Antiques Store with a bin outside with a sign saying 'Not for Sale'.

'To you, fifty quid - c'mon guv, it's HANDMADE!'

'Your baseball card has more value than you do.'

'My God, you're right - they are all back issues of TV guide.'

Antiques dealer and customer

"Do I have a cough, a harumph, a wink, a tic? Sold then to the smirk for a million-five."

Priceless antiques priced to sell!

Rolls Music Store: Grand Piano $6500, Okay Pianos $1500.