Conservative Collector T-Shirts

"Her mother would have been so proud."

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

'It's genuine 17th century satsuma - and the pair would have been worth ?14,000.'

"If it doesn't happen on Facebook, it didn't happen."

'Heirloom Tiffany Lamp Delivery. I Brake for Everything.'

Letter Collecting Nerd

His cubicle had come to be known as 'Teddy Bear Heaven'.

"Apparently the Ebola virus can make your ears bleed."

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'

"What are you doing?"

'... Going once...going twice...aaaand--sold! To the gentleman in the front row for a thousand words.'

"Twenty-five thousand, do I hear thirty thousand? Let me remind you all - this is the last Thin Mint cookie in the sleeve..."

"Fetch, Ernie, fetch!"

"I wonder what this was for."

The Daily Fury

"Hey, Dad, guess what? My Honus Wagner baseball card is worth $2.1 million!"

"It's a flip phone. I guess we can document this as an ancient, archaeological discovery."

"I'm sorry, I can't assist with this request."

'How old is this vase?'

'...but the good new is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

"I never expected you to pay through the nose."

'This is Ian, my new boyfriend. Did I mention he was a record holder?'

"Hmm interesting Hallmark..."

'Your entire library consists of nothing but tabloids bound in Corinthian leather?'

'Thanks, kids. . . it's just what Grandpa wanted. . . the new remastered Rolling Stones retrospective.'

Pawnshop: Genuine Fake Watches.

'Stamp auction' WW2 Victory stamps on two fingers

"I heard they got back together."

Antiques Store with a bin outside with a sign saying 'Not for Sale'.

'Your baseball card has more value than you do.'

'To you, fifty quid - c'mon guv, it's HANDMADE!'

'My God, you're right - they are all back issues of TV guide.'

Antiques dealer and customer

"Do I have a cough, a harumph, a wink, a tic? Sold then to the smirk for a million-five."

Priceless antiques priced to sell!