Conqueror Of Bedtime Stories T-Shirts

"Never get between a mama bear and her cub – unless you want to hear a long story about our struggles with bedtime."

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

Late night teddy reading

"...and the humans turned Neville into 80,000 toothpicks..."

'Please make us instruments of Thy peace, starting with Bucky Sims.'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'Assuming their porridge was poured at the same time, how could it then be too hot, too cold and just right?'

Shadow Puppet Bunny Threatened By Shadow Hawk

'She's just great with the children.'

Goodnight Moon for the Misbegotten

"Why didn't one of the bears just call 9-1-1 and have that girl arrested for trespassing?"

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

'Read me the one about the ant and the obsessive-compulsive grasshopper.'

Now Simon would have nightmares about his mother's failing eyesight.

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

Ant story: 'and so they worked all day and they worked all night and then they worked some more, the end.'

'Put some feeling into it. I can't tell the difference between the lion and the mouse.'

"I'll get up in negative five minutes."

"And if that diamond ring don’t shine, Poppa will probably take it back to 47th Street and get something for your mother."

"Customers who bought 'The Three Little Pigs' also bought...."

"I'm actually pretty ready for bed."

"Oh,oh - here comes quality time again."

"Well, if you're still awake when the time changes, you'll lose an hour of overthinking everything, too."

This is the new Director's Cut version of Hansel and Gretel...with additional scenes and three alternative endings!!!

The Optician At Home: "....And it didn't fit the other sister, either. Then Cinderella tried on the glasses, and she could see perfectly."

'The pioneers opened the frontier, but it wasn't legal until brave lawyers blazed the paper trail!'

"Dad, can we have a bedtime narrative?"

"Only one pailful? Did they have water restrictions like we do?"

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

'And you're telling me this, why?'

"That dream catcher may be working a little too well."

'Am I looking sad or happy in the appropriate places?'

"Mommy usually reads me a story, then slips me a twenty."

'Don't touch that tooth, dad. I'm expecting the tooth fairy at any moment.'