Company Shareholder Pillows

"The stockholders may view layoffs as a positive step in firming up our bottom line, but what happens when they find out we aren't producing anything?"

Golly, �1m a year isn't too much. I don't know why your shareholders don't understand you.

The day the stock market went UP.

'There's good news and bad news, J. B. - we now control 51% of this corporation's stock!'

'We're finding out that those 'wrongs' we made 'right' were actually right after all.'

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

'Loved your bit on market share, Felton - perfect blend of plausibility and outright deception.'

'Now that we've defined 'happy deficits' let's try it out on the stockholders.'

"Well, either you're hopelessly optimistic or hopelessly short-sighted."

"To summarize the year: we were taken over, we took over, we were taken over and we took over."

"In a further effort to increase profits, control costs and satisfy shareholders, we've decided to steal stuff."

'If we have only fractional ownership, it's not a private jet anymore, is it?'

'Let's hope the new norm means that less really is more.'

Shareholders Meeting: 'Mr Kenny will now take friendly fire from the audience.'

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

'I'm looking for something to impress the shareholders.'

"I have an obligation to the stockholders, not the employees!"

'When I say we all need to make sacrifices, I, of course, didn't mean us.'

"The only good news this year, gentlemen, is our massive bonuses."

Annual Stockholders' Meeting: Take some tissues.

'Now let's proceed downstairs and see where our stock shares presently sits,'

'Hi, I'm the ghost of your past, present and future stock portfolio!'

'All we can do is remind the stockholders that money isn't everything.'

'Behind every great business deal is a company lawyer advising against it.'

'It has all the comfort of a regular jet, but it's invisible to shareholders.'

"...That's agreed then, we raise our salaries by 40%..."

'That concludes the annual report, I will now fend off questions from the stockholders.'

"Still, I think we can all take some pride in being one of the signature bankruptcies of our time."

'Sorry, folks! The CEO and Board of Directors didn't show up.'

Would anybody else like to ask a question before the stewards get to them?

"Remember, when they go low... we observe shareholder value and act accordingly."

'You realize, of course, that that's the fifth 25 stake we've now sold in our entertainment division.'