Coming To Terms With Aging T-Shirts

'I know I don't look like a matinee idol of yesteryear anymore, but neither do they!'

"I'm afraid the writing is on the wall..."

'Well, Tommy, you've grown a foot since the last time I saw you!'

Pinocchio's Second Realization

'Sure, go ahead! Evolve! It's all the rage, I know! Have fun! I'll just sit here in this murky, primordial soup with nothing but plankton for company. Why should you stay here with your mother? The one who raised you, fed you...'

A new you. 'First, you've got to stop lying about you age.' It didn't start off well.

"No, son, you’re not ‘M for Mature.’"

"When I was a child, I drank like a child, but when I became a man I put away childish drinks."

'You can stick your filthy shell. I'm listening to the Arctic Monkeys.'

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

'The only part of my body that defies gravity is my age.'

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

'Teens are like trees, you can chart their growth by the number of rings.'

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

"It's really quite simple: Shave off the soul patch and the car is yours."

"Where do you remember last seeing your glasses?"

A member of a very populous consumer group attempts to go shopping...

". . . and now it's his memory. Three times on Saturday he asked me what day it was. Or did I already tell you that earlier?"

"If I ever start turning into my father do me a favor and don't turn into my mother."

"Go ahead. Fly through it. I dare you."

'Dad, I know all about the birds and the bees; explain stock-swaps and derivatives.'

"Your mother and I want to make your 21st birthday a moving experience. We'll help you pack."

"We REALLY do get better with age."

"Well, I've come this close to asking out Sylvia Sanchez. But I'm just an average guy! Nothing about me says 'I'm cool! Look at me!'"

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

"We haven't danced in ages."

"All I ask is a chance to ruin my life in my own way."

How to identify the alarming mood swings of male menopause.

'No, thanks. My folks won't let me get any piercings, yet.'

'Remember, son, don't believe any thing you hear and only half of what you see.'

High Pants/Low Pants.

'Hi, I'm middle-age and I'll be hanging around a while.'

Mirror mirror...

"So you dreamed you were an adult?"

"Mom, I'm old enough to catch my own worms now. I don't need you to regurgitate them into my mouth anymore."