Comic Relief Connoisseur Gifts

Self empowerment

'Do you realize it takes over 2000 laws to enforce the ten commandments?'

"As part of new security measures, Doris has locked me out of the house."

The sad case of the blind-men and the elephant.

"Sorry, Baldo...playing the race card doesn't work with taking out the trash."

"There they go. The Bonnie and Clyde of Central Park."

'There are times, Noah, when I feel I don't know you at all.'

Pecking order.

Adam and Eve: If not satisfied with products for any reason, please expel them from paradise.

"No, you can't take out a contract on somebody."

"Dear Diary, finished reading the novel, got a bit of weeding done, had 'The Big Conversation' with the wife… HA! Just kidding. Slept."

'My dream boat has turned out to be an anchor dragging prune barge!'

'I was cleaning it and it went off.'

"Bob put a chair with wheels on the table and climbed up to change a light bulb. Then the chair rolled away, Bob fell and... well, I guess we need a new industrial safety specialist."

Tile Fight!

'Oh, hi! I'm Doctor Bettinger!'

'Quit the act? That's not you, boss--that's the drink talking.'

April Fool/April Fuel!

Man with 'foot wetter' sign on back stands near hand dryer

"He said his name was Joseph when he told us he'd be our waiter this evening."

"I want scary costumes of a salt shaker and a blob of fat...I'm the school nutritionist."

You Are Here

A small snooker player chalking his cue.

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Overjumpers

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

"Brian's fine. He`s got his own coping mechanism."

'It's the report from the consultant. He says we should turn over the turnovers to improve turnover.'

'It finally took me thirty years, but I finally have one of every 3-D comic book ever made'

In a cycle - one bucket out, one bucket in.

Cat with Lion reflection in mirror

The Family Joules: Part 21

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! It's Malaprop Man! Malaprop Man, I hear you're fighting climate change now. Yes starting with solo panels, I'm reducing greenhouse guesses! I'm investing in buttery technology. I'm going to have windmeals. And of course, I've stopped drinking cola. Why is that? I'll have a smaller carbonated footprint!

'I'm also fluent in Geek.'

Though Mr. Frackman had yet to say a word, Bill sensed he was about to receive a particularly lousy performance review.