Comedy-loving Litigant Prints

"We couldn't get any surprise witnesses, but I booked Jay Leno to tell a few jokes on your behalf."

"Do you have a good attorney or a bad attorney?"

'First, I'd like to list the mitigating circumstances.'

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

"This is my client's videotaped deposition—please be considerate and rewind after viewing."

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'You're the watchdog. Do you honestly expect us to believe you didn't see anything?'

'It was more than my finest hour, Paltrow. It was my finest billable hour.'

'If you can't afford a media adviser the court will appoint you one.'

'At first it was a few dollars here and a few dollars there. Then I realized I'd have to pay my lawyer.'

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."

"Let's take in a trial."

Clive Anderson

"Love is grand... divorce is a hundred grand."

"I thought I'd try a Marie Antoinette for a change."

'I've never sued anyone but I bet I'll be good at it.'

He was good. Real good.

'Do you think I would even be here if my client were guilty?'

"Certainly you're entitled to justice, if you can show that you deserve it."

"It was a typical 'His lawyer said/Her lawyer said' situation."

"No it's not. That's his defense lawyer."

'I object to the prosecution calling my client a liar. The witness is merely fact-based reality challenged.'

"I think I can get you off with a lighter sentence, but it might screw up your movie deal."

'He tripped over a pavement sign that said 'Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault?' So he called the number and sued them'

"You want the truth, the whole truth, or nothing but the truth?"

"Please read back that last remark in a more murdery voice."

"Isn't it enough that I know the truth?"

"Counsel will be advised to not text message the witness."

"Sentencing...my gut feeling is disembowelment...but my head says decapitation."

'We find for the defendant, but we're really not too crazy about his claim.'