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Medicare: More is Better!

'Wait a minute! Didn't I see you on 'Funniest Medical Bloopers and Blunders'?'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'Nurse, why is there always a fly in my ointment?'

Saline Drip Sommelier.

'He's fine, it's only man flu not swine flu.'

There's Nothing Worse Than A Staff Infection

'Is there a chance you will die under the anaesthetic? Well, that is the killer question.'

Robot surgery.

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'

'It's important to treat all our patients as individuals...this for example is individual number 78/yh5-fg34c.'

'I'll give it back to you in a second hon, I just want to get this broccoli out of my teeth.'

'As for the tonsillectomy...there was a little mix-up... In other words, you now have cup size D!'

'I was a junior doctor when I started this shift.'

'You do have catastrophic insurance, but it only applies in case of invasion from outer space.'

"If Doctor have time, after bringing dead back to life, Doctor fix Egor's hump?"

'Looks like we could have a pandemic on our hands.'

A medical office filing cabinet has drawer labels that read, 'X-Rays,' 'Lab Work,' and 'Exam Room Banter'

Admissions lady: 'I don't take care of myself like I should ... my negligence probably killed a guy once ... I'm secretly attracted to you ...'

He said he loved her for her brain but was her appendix he was always taking out.

"The operation was a success. Thank goodness for YouTube videos!"

No offense, Doctor, but I'm feeling kinda rushed.

"The good news is that your appendectomy op was a complete success"

"I'm putting you on a stronger placebo."

"When I said the surgery was minimally invasive I wasn't talking about your finances."

'It's me, Jack Gurkenman! I'm your ophthalmologist with the broken left ankle, doctor!'

M.D. Mrs. Hoskins is here to match wits with you regarding her symptoms.

'Have you got any hip-op?'

"I've decided to be an organ donor."

Out of hours GP service machine.

Nurse about surgeon juggling organs: 'I think Dr. Haywood could really use a sabbatical.'

"Sergio, we don't have to spend so much money on health insurance."

Lactose Intolerant Cow.

Your body initially rejected the new kidney, but after we pumped you full of liquor, your body found the new kidney kind of attractive. We'll see what happens in the morning, though.

"The doctors call it Polymyositis, but I call it 'Military Arthritis' because it comes with a lot of fatigue."