Comedy Health Checks Prints

Man tapping a tuning fork on another man's knee

'Dear Diarrhea, Day 84. Well, I'm constipated again today...'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

"What> Fitness isn't a destination, it's a way of life."

"Will I still be able to not exercise?"

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

Full System Scan

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

Patient to Doctor: 'This may hurt a little.'

"I hear a pet can help prolong your life. Got any that know the Heimlich maneuver?"

'I believe it's 'feed a fever and starve a lawyer.''

'I was going to buy a hot tub.'

'Your lab tests are back. Your cholesterol weight, and self importance are all too high.'

'Time for your One-a-Year vitamin supplement pill, dear.'

'Does that mean my reflexes are GOOD then, doctor?'

"I never thought you'd live to be 90 either. By the way, you're only 67."

"The sleeping pills take time to work. Don't expect results overnight."

'...time you had your ears syringed?'

'If his chart dips down to 15 here, he'll start emitting a hellish, non-stop squeal.'

'Surgeon General's warning on junk food! Lighten up a little!'

"I'm hoping my stethoscope is broken."

"I'm just messing with you."

"Mr. Whopple, time to slow down on the veggie diet!"

'Maybe I've got washboard abs underneath - you ever think that?'

'It's just hot dogs. What does the health department care about hot dogs?'

Am I in good shape, Doc? If you think "spherical" is a good shape. (Published originally on January 9, 2014.)

You've probably heard of "White Coat Syndrome," the phenomenon in which patients exhibit a high blood pressure level in a clinical setting, even though they don't in other settings. Well, you won't get away with that here.

"I'm not sure what an extra strength placebo is!"

Your cough IS unproductive, but I'm more concerned by your unmotivated sneezes, your apathetic earache, and your sniffles' overall lack of ambition.

'I'm trying to watch my weight so I hope that's low fat!'

"You know, the hardest thing is getting them to admit they don't have a problem!"

'Oops, sorry about that spontaneous reflex action, doctor!'

'Well, Mrs. Gilner, comparing the numbers, everything looks great. Your cholesterol is right in line, blood pressure good... you're definitely as healthy as a horse.'

Everything's a joke to you Fuscos! Even water retention! ??