Comedy Duo Fan Gifts

'We come as a pair - we're applying for headship and assistant post.'

"Sorry, but I've decided to start doing my own material."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

Zombie standup

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

"Why do they do that?"

"Let's just say I have a pre-existing condition."

CSI: Mother Goose Unit...'Hmmm...I'm beginning to suspect that perhaps mister Dumpty's demise wasn't simply a tragic accident.'

"When is my next parole hearing?"

"A retired superhero's re-purposed utility belt"

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

Giraffe Umbrella

Bad fake tan day.

"Okay, you both know the rules: no trash talk, no batting the other guy all over the house if he’s unconscious, watch the claws and nails..."

Old navy veteran 3rd base coach

Baby knocks old lady out with pram toy.

Summer 2000: Children stumble upon the remains of Linda Tripp's old head.

"Oh my gosh, honey! Look out!"

Vlad the Impala

The Rooster Comedian.

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

"That's it lads, 364 days annual leave...what would we have done without our union!"

A Fairytale Update

'He who laughs last probably doesn't get it.'

'I got 100 in school today. 50 in history and 50 in maths.'

"Lordy, I am such a klutz!"

Caddie brings his golfer a shovel in the sand trap.

"That'll be five bucks."

What nationality were your parents? North or south Poles?

Stand-up Romcom

'Sometimes, laughter is the best medicine.'

"Out damn Spot