Comedy Cartel T-Shirts

'Agreed then? Your boy takes a dive in the fifth...'

"Ironically, I've got no bars."

'Tiddles has left everything to an old folks' home.'

'He was only reaching for his powerpoint presentation pointer.'

Robber on treadmill

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

The Stripper

Hypnotoon

Wall Street Money Never Sleeps. They've obviously never seen my investment portfolio.

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

"Hey. We’re in the doghouse every night. That’s the beauty of it."

"My fella was chucked out of the water-birth for running around the pool and bombing."

"Uh-oh. The so-called marriage penalty."

"The secret of our relationship? Easy. She just acts as if I don't even exist."

'Make sport of the Queen.'

"My client will not answer that question as it presupposes his sanity."

Polly Clinic.

'When someone asks where you work, what do you tell them?'

'...and to my darling little pussycat, Tiddles, I leave my budgerigar, two white mice and four goldfish.'

'... the party of the first part is to give the party of the second part ...'

Warning: Quitting smoking now will greatly reduce your chances of getting a piece of the settlement pie.

'Unzip your pants. . .while you're here, I want to pay up my bill in full.'

'Expanding away from insurance has caused a few problems...'

'Equal protection of the law, my foot! -- That was RANK discrimination against bank robbers!'

'Don't feel bad - some guys lose everything.'

'Dr Carlson will be operating on you, and should anything go wrong we have his team, Stephenson from media management, Wilson from press liaison, Johnson from legal...'

'Before you get any ideas, you're not in my will.'

'Um...Can you describe the car, your honor?'

"Harris, I can read the annual report without the hand-holding, thank you very much."

Dog Show: Most Human Look.

Ice croquet.

"I rely on a complex network of friends and co-workers to keep me in the dark."

'My client pleads guilty to misappropriation of funds but asks that charges be dismissed for lack of public outcry.'

I resent the fact that the only item listed on the menu is soup with a fly in it. I resent the fact that the script calls for me to give you a big smile. It's tough all over. Menu.

'...and God created canine in his own image.'