Comedian's Corner Gifts

"His last words were 'Yodel-ay-he-hoo.'"

Before settling on knives, the Swiss army tried lots of things... like this banana with tweezers and a corkscrew.

Zombie standup

'He took from the rich and gave to the poor? It sounds like wealth redistribution.'

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

'Do you know the way to San Jose without breaking into a Bacharach number?'

"Such a refreshing day...I've spent 18 hours between napping and comatose."

If you hold the conch up to your ear, you can hear the ocean swearing at you.

In, Out, Shake it all about

"Would you like to try them out?"

I'd invite you in, but my husband, my boyfriend and my python are all very jealous.

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

"I'm not lazy. I'm resting before I get tired."

The guy who got in on the ground floor

"Well the good news is that everything was supposed to be bad for you is actually good, but the bad news is that everything that you thought was good for you is actually bad."

When Stupid People Get an Idea

Bob Odenkirk

"I see you attending a family reunion, where things get quite heated."

"And for all of us here at the six-o'clock news—and don't forget we'll be appearing Saturday night at Mr. Fun—make it a good one!"

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

Monet At Open Mic Night

"Stand-up comedy." "On-your-knees-with-gas-pain comedy." "Please, God, make it stop..."

'Nothing doing folks, except ? surprise, surprise ? here's another for you, Desert Island Bloke.'

Freddy Starr died here.

'No wonder you're backed up.The box says 'ear', not 'rear!'

'A pint of beer and a mop please, barman !'

"You gotta multiply dog years by seven, pal."

Imitation Crab

"Some people call me a ball-buster, but I prefer cojones-crusher."

'...And in local weather, Ken's cologne has clashed with Trish's hair spray, causing a thunder shower over the news desk.'

"I'll get that. First go get me a glass of warm water."

How do you take your eggs? Like I take my relationships with women: over. Breakfast Menu.

'Fair play, Bill always knows when he's had enough.'

"Great. . . another cheesy joke."