Comedian's Best Friend Gifts

"I need to lay off those seven birthday cakes a year."

'We're not playing hide and seek. I'm just trying to find Marm to take him to the vet.'

Forced Grin.

"Are there any peanuts in this?"

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'He took from the rich and gave to the poor? It sounds like wealth redistribution.'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

"Such a refreshing day...I've spent 18 hours between napping and comatose."

'Would you say your glass is half empty or half full?' 'Whose round is it?'

'You had better eat those intestinal organs or there's no dessert for you!'

Teacher's sign in Philosophy class reads: 'Think', Sign in Science class reads 'Thunk' as student falls over.

'You said I should check back with you if I didn't get any better. . .'

"The difference between us and them is...they can be reproduced by unskilled labour."

"Maybe if we had better teachers we could learn new tricks."

"Well the good news is that everything was supposed to be bad for you is actually good, but the bad news is that everything that you thought was good for you is actually bad."

"Listen, and I'll explain it to you again..."

Alan Davies.

"I touched another squirrel's nuts. Any other questions?"

'I'm sick and tired of begging!'

'I didn't spend $49.95 on this answering machine to have you just hang up so leave a message!'

Stock Wanted

Robinia Floribunda

'I read where scientists say King Tut had a clubfoot and his parents may have bee siblings.'

You're on, caller. What's your problem? How do I get rid of a tenant so I can charge more rent? I get that question all the time. First, find out if your property is rent-controlled. If it is, go back in time to the moment you decided to rent it out and slap yourself. You have no business being a landlord, you greedy #%$*! What kind of music did the army use to get Noriega to leave Panama?

Cupid shoots a guy 3 times...'The other two are for the labor pains you're going to cause her!'

No, it doesn't come furnished.

"There's a man at the door with a wooden leg."

"That's very deep house."

'Sorry I'm late: It's hard to keep track of time when you work in complete darkness...'

"We heard you were dying in here."

'What fresh hell is this? I just spent 50 grand on hair plugs.'

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"Officer, wrong number."