Comedian's Best Buddy Gifts

'Sorry I'm late: It's hard to keep track of time when you work in complete darkness...'

'He took from the rich and gave to the poor? It sounds like wealth redistribution.'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"Such a refreshing day...I've spent 18 hours between napping and comatose."

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

'Would you say your glass is half empty or half full?' 'Whose round is it?'

'You had better eat those intestinal organs or there's no dessert for you!'

O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art though, Romeo? Seriously, wherefore art thou? Shakespeare in the Dark.

'You said I should check back with you if I didn't get any better. . .'

"Well the good news is that everything was supposed to be bad for you is actually good, but the bad news is that everything that you thought was good for you is actually bad."

"Listen, and I'll explain it to you again..."

"I touched another squirrel's nuts. Any other questions?"

'I'm sick and tired of begging!'

'We're not playing hide and seek. I'm just trying to find Marm to take him to the vet.'

Zoology. Cheetahs can reach speeds up to sixty miles an hour! Amazing, and yet they never win!

Stock Wanted

'You're nuts! It isn't any hotter than usual so quit brining up global warming!'

'I read where scientists say King Tut had a clubfoot and his parents may have bee siblings.'

Cupid shoots a guy 3 times...'The other two are for the labor pains you're going to cause her!'

"There's a man at the door with a wooden leg."

"That's very deep house."

"I need to lay off those seven birthday cakes a year."

"We heard you were dying in here."

'So this is what you meant when you promised to take me out for a 'three course meal'!'

"I had trouble opening the child-proof cap."

Fish golfing.

'What fresh hell is this? I just spent 50 grand on hair plugs.'

"I take her out every night, but she keeps on coming back."

'Your father told you to look both ways when crossing a four lane highway?'

'It's no good telling me to eat my grees, Mum. You know I'm colour blind.'

"Relax, release and let go...."

"We're all out of trolleys so you're going to hell in a handbasket."

Stoplight

'He can probably smell my dog on me.'

The Tumor with the 200lbs Man!