Comedian Of The Clan Gifts

Mom! Billy's censoring me!

It is important to give your dog opportunities to play with people.

Knock on the door - dog stands up and shouts 'Beat it!'

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

"No no, I said sit!!"

'I wonder if they have any water filters?'

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

'Hey Harry, you know you've been walking around with a biscuit on your nose for the last two hours?'

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"Why, you little Shih Tzu."

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'Table scraps, doggie-bag goodies, dropped hot dogs, the cat's dish of food and your master's slippers.'

"Parts of a dog" "Hears food drop" "Smells food" "Chews food" "Swallows food" "Digests food" "Moves toward food" "Signals for food" "Makes room for more food"

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

Tiny dog catches frisbee that spins him around in circles.

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

Rusty starts to have very violent thoughts toward his tail.

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

"They're friendly, but they're also carnivorous, so remember that when you're called on to beg and roll over."

'Just taking the dog for a walk, Dear.'

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'