College Planning Whiz Prints

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

I figured out how we can pay for the kids' college tuitions. Do tell. I'm going to leave for a year of self-discovery, which I will chronicle in a best-selling memoir. Oh, but

"You know what happens when you make good grades? They send you to another school called college."

"I figure I have about 20 years of school to go."

School. I like solving problems with X's and Y's, so I'll probably go into either math or genetics!

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

Your granddaughter is studying for SATs. Oh really? Ahem! What did you get on your practice tests? Drool.

'I wish his guidance counselor spent more time on college plans and less time suggesting names for his band.'

Yahoo! What's that about? She got into the college of her choice. Which college is it? Not sure. She chose to apply to 37. West Fester High School.

It's college orientation time. The brain cell is attending an elite academic university, and the hormones and endorphins are going to party schools. The muscle cell earned an athletic scholarship. And it looks like the DNA molecule has already picked a major. The DNA has life planned out. It's chemically active down there. The individual atoms are excited, but also seem a bit sad. Of course! Going off to college is an emotional time for them. Old bonds are breaking and new ones are bein

"Stop applying! You've been accepted to three universities!"

"When I go to college, I'm focusing on a STEM area of study!"

'Medieval Studies is going nowhere without a 5-year strategic plan.'

'Trevor, it's some gentlemen to see you about your student loan.'

"Summer's coming. How does pre-med camp sound."

Hey, Twig! Ryan Beardsley wants your cell phone number! The divine wonder of West Fester High? Finally! My life changes for the better. He needs activities for his college apps and wants to come to our shortest eco-club cleanup. Change you can believe in. West Fester High School.

'And finally, if you're going to commit a felony, do it before ol' dad incurs the high cost of tuition.'

Gretchen encounters the mother of all SAT questions.

"Gracie, don't worry. I created a college fund for you the day after you were born. I figure by the time you're 18, it'll total $28,000."

"The best thing about winning an academic decathlon...is the new friends you make."

"Room, board, books, and tuition--I draw the line at corkage fees."

"That's the parents' section."

It's soo competitive! I'll never get into college! Don't worry, honey. You have plenty of time to prepare. Thanks, mom. Wow! Look at the tuition hikes and financial aid cuts. Don't worry. You have plenty of time to prepare. True. I deposited $10 just the other week.

"Gracie, you do not need a cell phone. Little girls like you don't get important phone calls."

"Here's 15 cents. I assume you'll go into debt one day putting me through college, so this will take some of the guilt off my conscience."

'I plan to major in political science with a minor in strange bedfellows,'

'You mean I have to learn it as well?'

Relax! The college process need not be stressful! Staying calm actually helps your child cope. Parents' night. Top colleges are brutally competitive. Even state universities are rejecting excellent students. I'm relaxed. Me too!

I'm doomed! What's Twig's problem today? She forgot that the pre-SATs are this weekend. She hasn't practiced. So what? They don't test for life's important skills. Right. Like planning ahead. Whoops! I forgot the cream.

The seniors are crazed about college. Admissions. I plan to be totally chill. 1000 colleges. You're not worried about the pre-SATs this Saturday? Of course not. West Fester High. I forgot all about them!!!

The kids are going back for another semester.

"I read your college application essay. First of all, the word college has two l's."

'How will we pay for her college.'

Binge Drinking On Campus.

'That? Someone actually made a payment on their mortgage.'