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I figured out how we can pay for the kids' college tuitions. Do tell. I'm going to leave for a year of self-discovery, which I will chronicle in a best-selling memoir. Oh, but

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

"Actually, I'm hoping what I'm going to be when I grow up hasn't been invented yet."

"Still, diving for it would look good on my college application.

'Another football scholarship offer?'

"I want a top education, but don't milk me dry with school fees."

"At these tuition prices an acceptance letter is pretty much a denial."

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

'Well Mimi, what's it going to be...medicine or the cello?'

'This scholarship application is great. You must have received an A in creative writing.'

The team video didn't spotlight my talents. I've hired my own film crew. They'll showcase my skills so college recruiters can see my strengths. Wow! How can the director pack so much into one little video? Great point! Daddy? Tell Steven Spielberg we're going feature length. Nice save!

Overloaded with extracurricular activities, Griffin's body began to grow an extra brain to cope with it all.

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

'It's my application to Harvard...'

Your granddaughter is studying for SATs. Oh really? Ahem! What did you get on your practice tests? Drool.

'I wish his guidance counselor spent more time on college plans and less time suggesting names for his band.'

"Stop applying! You've been accepted to three universities!"

State U. He procrastinated and is now trying to do all the work for his middle English literature class in a couple of days. "Canterburied," is he?!

The 5 paragraph essay is sooo stupid. Why do we have to learn it? So you can get good SAT scores. That will get you into a good college, and then a good job. So you never have to write another 5-paragraph essay again.

It's college orientation time. The brain cell is attending an elite academic university, and the hormones and endorphins are going to party schools. The muscle cell earned an athletic scholarship. And it looks like the DNA molecule has already picked a major. The DNA has life planned out. It's chemically active down there. The individual atoms are excited, but also seem a bit sad. Of course! Going off to college is an emotional time for them. Old bonds are breaking and new ones are bein

'After you ask him for the pony, ask him to pay for your college education.'

"Aren't you young to be worrying about college?"

"When I go to college, I'm focusing on a STEM area of study!"

"The counselor wasn't much help about getting into college. All he said was to study hard and get good grades."

"So what happened between you and Estella?"

"Of course I'm not quitting school, Dad! If anything, I've learned that if you want to succeed, you need passion and leadership and a whatever-it-takes attitude!"

The bane of every college applicant: the admissions essay.

Hey, Twig! Ryan Beardsley wants your cell phone number! The divine wonder of West Fester High? Finally! My life changes for the better. He needs activities for his college apps and wants to come to our shortest eco-club cleanup. Change you can believe in. West Fester High School.

Contest to enter the University

'And finally, if you're going to commit a felony, do it before ol' dad incurs the high cost of tuition.'

Gretchen encounters the mother of all SAT questions.

'There was an old lady who had so many children she didn't know what to do, especially about college tuition.'

'Your excuses for not doing your homework are excellent. How about a career as political apologist?'