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It's nice to have a positive parents' night topic. College admissions. Hearing about drugs, depression and sexually transmitted diseases gets old. The 3 downer 'Ds'. Tonight we'll discuss your kids' futures in higher education. We'll cover drugs, depression, diseases and crushing debt. Correction. 4 'Ds'.

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"I want a top education, but don't milk me dry with school fees."

'You must have been wearing your beer googles.'

"Political Science... that's in the Department of Performing Arts."

Santa does a keg stand.

'We're out of earshot now, so you can drop the phoney, Oxbridge accent.'

"And in the category of 'The Most Amazing Comeback from an Academic Nosedive,' the winner is..."

Ten Years to get the Ph.D

"And just how do you expect to become a made man, son, without a solid liberal-arts education?"

Yahoo! What's that about? She got into the college of her choice. Which college is it? Not sure. She chose to apply to 37. West Fester High School.

"Quit your whining... Someday you'll appreciate affordable student housing."

End of Affirmative Action

'OKAY, okay Sandra, I'll PAY for your University course. But it BETTER NOT cost me an arm and a leg!...'

You got into the college of my choice, and I got into the college of your choice. Now if we could just work something out...

"Millstone is not yet a full professor."

The farm-raised catfish goes to college

Psychology Dept. Faculty Evaluations Today. I can't tell if it's my id or my ego, but I'm really craving a promotion.

"I hope that this is just a riot of passage."

"How are my animal mascot teams doing?"

'There'll be a slight delay. The chef is cramming for his nutrition finals.'

'It was your typical student flat: dirty dishes, broken furniture, grubby carpet and cracks in the walls'

'That should be good for quite a few doctoral dissertations in the future.'

Taser incident.

'My parents didn't want me to get left behind.'

'My kid is going to Harvard, and Jim's son to Stanford- which college accepted yoyr kid, Fred? ( pix of clown on desk)

"I've spent more sending my son on college campus tours than I did getting my degree."

Trouble at med school - "Gosh, it's already my third day and I'm still sober."

The Artificial Intelligentsia

The life of a professor is great- it's either publish or PARIS!'

'Quit basketball to concentrate on school. Are you crazy? Do you want to end up like all those other dreamers with a college degree and no job?'

'I understand the school has a policy of promoting from within, so I'd like to be considered for your job when you retire.'

"We just want you to know that wherever you wind up going to college is fine with us, as long as it's someplace we can brag about to our friends."

"How's your spring break going, Jerry?"

'Interesting specialist subjects.'