College Comedian Pillows

'Granted, it's not a traditional sport, but I was hoping a party school might offer athletic scholarships for beer pong.'

"I think our daughter should change her major. She can now ask for money in 3 different languages!"

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

College. Did you pick a major yet? I'm doing a double major in art and logic --- I want to draw my own conclusions!

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

Math 101, for those who can only count to 100.

'I hope I run out of money before I flunk out.'

Professor Wiles grows insufferable.

'It says I missed freshmen Orientation and I have to take it in summer school in order to graduate.'

'So what are you studying, young man?'

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

'Mutation and natural selection? - That sounds awfully STRESSFUL!'

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

'I'm on the short degree course... hell of a lot to pack into one year!'

Don't you hate...

"No, I'm not the first in my family to attend college. But I am the first at an Ivy."

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

Scientists continue their research on the Hippocampus.

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

College of Liberal (not in the political snese) arts.

"For the hundredth time—I have no idea how to make crystal meth."

'I suspected hackers when it accepted all the student scholarship applications.'

"Mom, Dad, college changed me."

Southwick College: Basically, for the most part, usually - a meritocracy.

Popular college book: How to say 'Send money' in 101 languages.

"Graduates, faculty, parents, creditors..."

'Wow, that sounds rigorous. What are the prerequisites for living in my mom's basement?'

'I'm at that awkward age when I can't read my own handwriting. Do they teach penmanship in college?'

'Dude, you gotta lay off the Mac n' Cheese!'

'So, in college what did you major in' - 'Business poetry.'

Undergraduate and don