College Aspirant Pillows

Gracie goes over to the college recruitment tent at a carnival.

"Actually, I'm hoping what I'm going to be when I grow up hasn't been invented yet."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

"Still, diving for it would look good on my college application.

'Another football scholarship offer?'

Bribes for Jabs

"I want a top education, but don't milk me dry with school fees."

I'm getting ready to apply for college. Do you have a list of party schools?

"The teacher expects too much of me. She wants me to give it the old college try, and I'm only in grade school."

'He's got classic form, but if he doesn't improve his grades he won't get into college. He doesn't think.'

'This scholarship application is great. You must have received an A in creative writing.'

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

Big Rock University. Guidance Counselor. I'd like to switch my major from hunting to gathering!

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

It's a letter from Tim. He claims his grades are improving and he might even make the DEEN's list.

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

'Why not take some time off after high school...travel a bit...get a job...make some money...pay your own way through college.'

"My papie says I'm going to be the first in my family to go to college!"

'It's my application to Harvard...'

'I wish his guidance counselor spent more time on college plans and less time suggesting names for his band.'

The 5 paragraph essay is sooo stupid. Why do we have to learn it? So you can get good SAT scores. That will get you into a good college, and then a good job. So you never have to write another 5-paragraph essay again.

"Well, my IQ is 180--and that's in Centigrade, not Fahrenheit."

State U. He procrastinated and is now trying to do all the work for his middle English literature class in a couple of days. "Canterburied," is he?!

'I'm partially passing my Meteorology course.'

'And here's my collection of stock in DiscoCorp... or as I call it, your college fund.'

'That's all there is in my college fund? That won't even buy the beer!'

"The extent of your extracurricular activities in high school, may very well be participation in regular program of oral hygiene using an effective decay preventaative tooth paste, but that won't get you into a good university."

"If you have to ask, you can't afford it."

"Of course I'm not quitting school, Dad! If anything, I've learned that if you want to succeed, you need passion and leadership and a whatever-it-takes attitude!"

"The counselor wasn't much help about getting into college. All he said was to study hard and get good grades."

"Aren't you young to be worrying about college?"

'My parents couldn't afford to send me to college, so they let me spend a night at a Ramada.'

The bane of every college applicant: the admissions essay.

'This isn't a good time. I'm in trouble with the Dean for using my cell phone in class. I'll call you back.'