College Alumni Coordinator T-Shirts

'I had just assumed the college alumni solicitation letters would stop up here.'

Procrastinator Foumdation: 'We're putting off the decision to fund you for at least another month...'

"No, the Geo Metros, Hyundais, Rabbits, and Kias belong to faculty - the Alfa Romeos, BMWs, and Volvos belong to students."

'You have failed on all counts...'

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

'I wanted to ask you about life-experience credit.'

Treadway college - A little knowledge, a lot of tuition.

'Class, let's welcome Timmy, our Exchange Student, who's joining us for the next three weeks...'

'You talk about her so much. Why don't you invite that Alma Mater of yours to dinner sometime?'

'I suspected hackers when it accepted all the student scholarship applications.'

'This isn't a good time. I'm in trouble with the Dean for using my cell phone in class. I'll call you back.'

"Buy stock in a college?...I don't think you can...but why would we?"

"I hope that this is just a riot of passage."

'The train due to arrive at platform 2 will now arrive at platform 19.'

"In conclusion, I hope you all make plenty of money to donate to your alma mater."

Civilian Oversight

"Your order is confirmed and your credit card has been charged. You have purchased one small liberal-arts college in New England. Thank you for your order."

'Oh he's my loans officer.'

"If you opt for our premium package Ryan will only have tenured professors."

'We're having a graduation party for Jerome. Actually, it's more like a fund raiser.'

"It's amazing how much Junior has changed after only a few weeks away at college..."

'And remember you success will be measured by how much money you donate to the universities alumni fund.'

"It was a surprise. The college alumni solicitation letters never stop, even here!"

"We've canceled so many technical programs. . . local business and industry is begging for trained people!"

The assistant to the chair begins another busy day.

"Even though it's an honorary degree, we have to bill you for 4 years of tuition."

'Their parents aren't going to be very happy with one of their predictions. They discovered that when they're ready for college, tuition will be around $18,000 a year.'

"No, accepting students who are unqualified is not what we mean by diversity."

'Remember, your success in life will be measure by how much you donate to your Alma Mater...'

Small and Decrepit

'It's okay - we're in a safe space.'

'I thought they told you that any donation, no matter how small, would be greatly appreciated.'

'According to this, we don't get any clout until we're alumni.'

'You have been cutting classes all term. I'm going to issue a computer tracking number to you, so I can know your location.'

"Someone must have read about me in the financial pages. My college alumni fund in contacting me twice a week."