College Admissions Officer Prints

'I see you have a rich and generous father. You're in.'

'We'll have to take this one - he invented the software we're using to make the selection.'

With enrollment declining, Dawson College looked for creative ways to attract new students.

'...Not getting in, too big a bribe...'

"That's Ruffles, our I.Q.-sniffing dog."

"You think you can just bribe your son's way into college with a $5000 check? We'll need at least £10,000!"

St Peter shaving the heads of angels

The Affirmative Action Wars

End of Affirmative Action

I'm forgetting which college is which. Their brochures are all alike. University of. It's always fall or spring. Apply! There's always a multi-cultural group of kids hanging out. There's always a girl in goggles working in a science lab with an ethnic-looking prof. It's reassuring. They all celebrate their diversity in the exact same way! And charge the exact same for it!

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

No, we don't offer a degree in forwarding emails.'

'Hi, I understand you're having a hard time finding qualified minority students.'

'There's been a slight mistake. 1542 wasn't the average SAT score - it was the number of students who took the test.'

'A 217 in math and a 222 in reading? Really those are fine SAT scores. Fine Scores. You'll make a great addition o our football team, Brad.'

"I want to leave my body to Harvard. It's the only way I'll ever get in."

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

Bribes for Jabs

I'm getting ready to apply for college. Do you have a list of party schools?

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

"You're kidding! You count S.A.T.s?"

'He's got classic form, but if he doesn't improve his grades he won't get into college. He doesn't think.'

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

"No, the Geo Metros, Hyundais, Rabbits, and Kias belong to faculty - the Alfa Romeos, BMWs, and Volvos belong to students."

Big Rock University. Guidance Counselor. I'd like to switch my major from hunting to gathering!

Saving for College.

'You have failed on all counts...'

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

It's a letter from Tim. He claims his grades are improving and he might even make the DEEN's list.

'It's my application to Harvard...'

"You'll never make it as a doctor with handwriting like this. I understood every word."

'I wanted to ask you about life-experience credit.'

Treadway college - A little knowledge, a lot of tuition.