Collector Of Laughs T-Shirts

'The only pictures I carry of my loved ones in my wallet are the 20, 50 and 100 dollar bills.'

Customs and Examinations.

Occu-Pie Mars

"Now, were those friends of your Gettys or Gottis?"

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

Build your very own conflict of interest!

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

The Rooster Comedian.

'What did one flea ask the other?' 'Shall we walk or take the dog?'

'So where do you think pineapple juice comes from?'

'Bert's dog training.'

'Me, I don't spend my pocket money: I hoard it...'

'RUN FOR COVER!!!!! It's another one of those 'Baby Showers'!!!

At home with the Bones...one skeleton yells at the dog chewing his leg, 'now cut that out!'

"A GPS! Thanks guys! It's exactly what I need to guide my sleigh...you know, in light of that unfortunate hunting accident."

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

Banana Split...

Password Error: Snow White and the seven dwarfs not recognised as eight characters.

'The bad news is you're going to marry a geek, and not a pro athlete. The good news is the geek owns the team.'

Job Vacancy: Human cannonball. Applicants must of the right calibre

A golden Big Boy holding a plate of poop

Suffering from Cooties?

'Amscray,fuzzbrain - no carnivores allowed

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

"Do we have to go to the beach? I think the airline mixed up my luggage."

Useless add-ons.

Drink for me and my hot mamma. Now! We don't serve beer. Latte. Two, punk! Decaf. You don't want to see him angry. Also, low-foam and soy milk would be great. You don't want to see him gassy. Can I get one of those little Twizzler sticks to stir it with? Cube of brown sugar, please. And one nonfat blueberry scone! Two! I'd like to see how John Wayne would've ordered a fancy coffee drink.

"The Eggsorcist"

'Yeah, I agree: It's hard to impress females by looking virile and strong when you're all pink...'