Coffee Shop Strategist Pillows

Sometimes my noise-canceling headphones work better when I put them on other people.

Wifi in Hell

"You don't whisper anymore."

You've Had Enough!

"Oh, don't mind that, it's just my body of unseen work."

"Store policy is that I need a note from your wife."

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

"No, we can't get you a new toy every time we go shopping."

Hello, this is Cable News. Oh. I'm Mortimer Park. As you know, we only have four short years until the next presidential election. So it's time to start asking: Who should run? Whom do you prefer? (A) Al Gore … (B) John Kerry … (C) Marco Rubio … (D) Ted Cruz ... (E) Christ Christie ... House of Java Cybercafe. How about (F) You? Mr. Eugene Yu is actually (T).

'This is a business lunch, Lowden. So, don't even think about enjoying yourself.'

How About Serving Us For a Change

Holiday Sales: The Starting Line

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

"Yes, but I'll know it's a recliner."

Shampoo and Salad Dressing.

"I'll throw in a few extra pinstripes."

'Bring me the Wimbish report and a short worm, Ms Perkins, no time for lunch today.'

"Consumer confidence remains high as long as we keep them distracted buying stuff."

Quadruple dark hot chocolate. Whoa, everything all right? Sure, yeah, great. I'm a journalist and writer in an era in which the printed word has been totally devalued by free distribution of information on the internet. Can I pay in prose? Point taken.

'I've got it written down...'

"How will you be paying? Crypto, Venmo, electronic fund transfer, credit card, check, cash, precious metals, brightly colored shells or livestock?"

"I don'y know about you guys, but I don't feel like I've lost one goddamn bit of my feminity."

"I have no idea where we parked the car, or why we exist."

"Eeny, meeny, miney, mo.."

Dateline - Caf

"Why is this cart so heavy?"

"You gave me the wrong drink. I demand a total refund!!" "OK. Where's the drink?" "What do you mean? I drank it. It wasn't till I was done that I realized it was the wrong drink. The right drink leaves a different aftertaste." "You can't finish the drink and then ask for a refund. That's not how it works." "You didn't tell me that before I paid for the wrong drink. So that's on you." "That's not how it works!"

'And this one is just today's grocery list from my wife.'

"There you go bra. Double flat white and homage to Rothko's Seagram series."

The Stages of Coffee Addiction

"Class, welcome back Sean ... who, you may recall, was lost for eight days in Home Depot."

'But what do you sell?'

Continental Drift.

'Our definition of a 'bargain' is right there in the small print.'

'Our survey shows there's more confidence in shopping coupons than in the dollar...'