Classic Comedy Connoisseur Pillows

George Carlin

Mercury Theatre: Lost and Found

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"My dad says we eat honey 'cause it has lots of vitamin Bee."

'Have you tried our home-made wine?'

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

'I'll make my final decision on that promotion of yours, after this game.'

New and improved! BunkerBuster! Get out of the sand trap every single time - or your money back!!

'He likes to power nap.'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I warned you not to use that club...now look, you struck oil!"

'Tony, you always try to lead.'

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

Mrs. Claus has a ladies night out.

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

Night of the Latkes

Farm Humor.

Archimedes statue with a lever

'Which one of you told Glurk to stretch before running?'

Happy Hour

The Trojan Beagle.

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

"And I'll have that lightly sedated, please."

Girl who can't cook meets guys who can't fix stuff.

"I'm weighed down with so many gadgets, I'll need a push to start me off."

'I was an egg in the Easter play.'

Emergency Phone.

10 Good Things about a Minnesota Winter.

"Oh boy charades! I love charades! Something big? Is it a bird? It's sharp! Behind? Above?"

'I haven't been able to come to grips with it. My hands are too small.'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

'Gimme a Canadian club on the rocks!'