Check Skipper Pillows

"My boyfriend's got a split personality. Every time the check comes he splits!"

'Nothing impacts my lifestyle choices more than a veterinarian with a scale.'

"The universe is expanding! Of course I'm expanding too!"

New company policy...next time you miss a meeting I need a note from a doctor or a subpoena from a judge.

Rock - see you in a million years!

'Don't be so dramatic and get into my office!'

Movie Awards. That movie always comes alone and never stays for the after-party. It's an independent film.

Captain looks out of a porthole and notices that the ship is sinking.

"Honestly, sweetheart, they haven't brought out a little Ellen MacArthur set. As soon as they do daddy will get you one."

'I told my teacher that I won't be returning to school. I'm trying out for a pro basketball team, and her services are no longer required.'

"Sure, I'll give you a second opinion. I don't think you should stay home from school either."

"Not sure what to watch? Go to menu/settings/power/off/pick up a book."

'It's just one thing after another. The minute they let you out of school, the garden starts to produce.'

Overweight Man With Skipping Rope - To Be Taken 3 Times A Day.

"Ya know, no mask or hand sanitizer can spare you from spring fever."

The skipper never wears a hat that fits. He's always been afraid of cap-sizing!

Shut Yer Yapper and be Happy, Loser! There's a ton of so-called simple self-help books. The five most important questions: 7 habits of highly effective people: 7 steps to living at your fullest potential. Too many steps! She's going to be filthy rich.

'I hear you played football instead of going to school.'

Professors Elliot, Lars, and Roth while away the hours till the new semester begins.

'I've already marked you absent, Eddie. Go home.'

'The Principal suspended me-- School is the only place in the world where you can get time off for bad behavior.'

'Bed rest and no school for a week. Boy, I like this doctor!'

"My wife told me to have a good day, so I went fishing instead of work."

'I can't come to school today because I have a barking cough. Wanna hear it?'

'He always trains until the very last minute.'

"Basically, we have two options: #1: Do what I want or #2: Endure an excruciatingly dull presentation..."

'Sorry Professor, you're right: I DID skip a line of the instructions...'

'What type of line are you using?'

Sailing

"You know what school needs? - A fast forward button!"

"Lawyers and rats fleeing the ship; that can't be good."

'I can't take the stress test next week. I have to go to the pool with my grandson and show him how to do a one-and-a-half gainer of the high diving board.'

'It's to remind the skipper that it's his wife's birthday.'

Rise and shine, young man! It's time for school! I don't want to rise, I don't want to shine, I'm not a young man, and school is for suckers. Call me at lunchtime.

"It's a note from my mommy. She says I don't have to attend."