Census Comedian T-Shirts

'Date of birth?' - 'Tenth of February 1979' - 'Sex?' - 'Yes, please.' - '£1,000 fine?' - '...totally worth it.'

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

Pounding speeds up the computer.

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

'And were there a point to your proposal, Henderson - What would it be?'

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

"You're losing the audience. Switch to the Powerpoint presentation."

Showbiz Awards

'I should not that the cherry and whipped cream were an afterthought created by our graphics dept.'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

Zombie standup

'I'm glad you guys could work this out in a reasonable manner.'

"'I don't want war'. . . well, wither our translation program is broke or this president has a strange kind of humor!"

In his younger days Spock was quite the comedian.

Formal SuitsBusiness SuitsBirthday Suits.

"I'm sorry, Your Majesty. It's always my intention to leave you laughing."

Desk trays - 'in', 'out', and 'one of these days'.

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

'The lads at the office still talk about the day you told the boss what to do with his job...'

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

12 O'clock was 'I'm a tractor time.'

"How long will we, the descendants of wolves, be content with table scraps and belly rubs?"

"I believe we've found the weakest link."

'No, your guess isn't as good as mine.'

"Now that I have everyone's attention..."

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

"Aristophanes explains comedy"