Cellular Comic Relief Pillows

"The good news is I rescued your cell phone. However, all your minutes were used up."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Overjumpers

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

"Yes, three of a kind beats two pair."

"It says here on your resume that one of your qualities is a sense of humor. Care to elaborate?"

"Aren't we going a little overboard with Friday's casual dress code!?"

'I think my teacher has a crush on me. She's holding me back for another year.'

Chef De Party.

'I love it when you cook - it lets me practice faking it.'

Tourist in the desert

Break Glass in Case of Stress

'Dear, when I die, what ever you do, don't donate my body to science.'

'I thought too many cooks spoiled the broth.'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

'Let's face it...We have irreconcilable differences!'

Gentleman, things are worse than we thought.

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

A businessman sits behinds a desk with a nameplate that reads "Charles F. Baxter - Previously frozen".

'Would that be rare, or medium rare?'

Bureau of Missing Door Knobs

'I must be getting good, because my Dad told me to go play for the neighbours!'

"You've got pussyfooting from 10 to 11, shilly-shallying until 12, then hemming and hawing the rest of the afternoon."

'Nothing to worry about, Mr. Jenkins, some people do have a mild reaction to the flu shot!'

"Having captions above makes me feel like I'm doing grand opera."

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

'I went online to check out my ancestry and I found that my dad, 10,000 times removed, was an amoeba!'

'20 of medical opinion may change every five years...but it wont be the 20 that says smoking 20 a day and being 5 stone overweight is bad for you.'

Birdcage and Man cover their heads at nighttime.

Welcome to California. You may begin your Schwarzenegger imitation now