Cellular Comic Relief Pillows

"The good news is I rescued your cell phone. However, all your minutes were used up."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Overjumpers

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! It's Malaprop Man! Malaprop Man, I hear you're fighting climate change now. Yes starting with solo panels, I'm reducing greenhouse guesses! I'm investing in buttery technology. I'm going to have windmeals. And of course, I've stopped drinking cola. Why is that? I'll have a smaller carbonated footprint!

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

"Yes, three of a kind beats two pair."

"It says here on your resume that one of your qualities is a sense of humor. Care to elaborate?"

"Aren't we going a little overboard with Friday's casual dress code!?"

The earlier, less publicized discovery of gravity by Corblatt.

'I think my teacher has a crush on me. She's holding me back for another year.'

Dog Birthdays

When Holy Cows Are Sent Out To 'Pastor'.

"Saving Lois Lane a dozen times doesn't mean you can claim her as a dependent on your taxes."

Chef De Party.

Break Glass in Case of Stress

'I love it when you cook - it lets me practice faking it.'

Tourist in the desert

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

Gentleman, things are worse than we thought.

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

Bureau of Missing Door Knobs

'Dear, when I die, what ever you do, don't donate my body to science.'

'Let's face it...We have irreconcilable differences!'

A businessman sits behinds a desk with a nameplate that reads "Charles F. Baxter - Previously frozen".

'I thought too many cooks spoiled the broth.'

'Would that be rare, or medium rare?'

'I must be getting good, because my Dad told me to go play for the neighbours!'

"You've got pussyfooting from 10 to 11, shilly-shallying until 12, then hemming and hawing the rest of the afternoon."

'Nothing to worry about, Mr. Jenkins, some people do have a mild reaction to the flu shot!'

"Having captions above makes me feel like I'm doing grand opera."

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

'I don't want bread crumbs. I'd prefer some money to buy a cheeseburger.'

Welcome to California. You may begin your Schwarzenegger imitation now

'20 of medical opinion may change every five years...but it wont be the 20 that says smoking 20 a day and being 5 stone overweight is bad for you.'

One more ring andBbob would set off the Solicitor Glove.