Carpet Comedians T-Shirts

"I thought it would be cheaper to weed wack our shag carpet rather than replace it."

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

"Here, we do not procrastinate, we 'table' things."

"Think outside the box but never forget who owns the box."

"Have you and Tim picked out a name for the career obstacle yet?"

My brilliant career

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

'Not here - home!'

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

"They're born into captivity, it's all they know."

The new boss brought a sense of urgency.

'Item 56, we need to schedule a series of meetings to discuss whether we should have meeting to look at whether we're having too many meetings.'

"What we're looking for is someone who think outside the box?"

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

"We're to stop talking about 'budget cuts'. Apparently it's depressing for staff and clients..."

"Sorry, you can't cash in your vacation time. Since you didn't use it, tell it Bon Voyage!"

"You want answers?" "I want the truth!" "You can't handle the infinite explanation of cosmological arguments relating to the truth!"

Man leaving his office with his computer tangled around his leg,

"We subscribe to five streaming services so why are we never able to see the hot new show everybody is raving about?"

"When all else fails, blow darts still get their attention."

My client is claiming that you have discriminated against him as a species, that your refusal to let him sniff client's bottoms is against his canine rights and that your policies have acted against him reaching partnership.

'The firm is downsizing, Oglethorpe -- tell everybody to scrunch up.'

"Ok Watson, what have you dreamed up?"

Hirer to employee handing him lighted hat: 'You'll be starting at the bottom.'

"Matt, you look like you just saw a ghost who fired you!"

"Want to go watch the people who get to leave at a normal hour?"

"I've called this meeting so I could see all of you squirm."

"If the jumper cables don't work, I'll pour more motor oil on the keys."

'I don't mind you singing, but I draw the line at your banjo playing.'

'Don't hesitate to critize me, Herb, whenever I think I am wrong.'

'My client stands before you, a jury of his whittling peers ...'

'Make sport of the Queen.'

'This associate has a first rate mind...and a third rate suit.'

Trash-talkin' artists

'Botox.'