Carefree Shopper T-Shirts

"Shopping was stress-free this year because I started early and didn't give a s**t what I bought."

'She's so put together!'

"I think I've found the most comfy jeans."

"Most of these pelts were suicides."

"They're on special offer so I got three times more than I could ever use for twice as much as I could afford!"

'This is too small. Get me a 12...How many times?! I'm a 10 or a 12 on top and a 12 or 14 on the bottom depending on the shop, the cut of the fabric, the ambient air temperature, and the rotation of Pluto...and we always try the 10 first capiche?'

'These fit just right. Do you have anything too tight?'

'They've certainly got designs on your purse!'

"Are you looking to accentuate or camouflage?"

'I've never opened her up on the highway, but I get great mileage in the city!'

"Amazing! It's the season of me!"

"Perhaps a cozy scarf to go with the hat?"

'What can you get with a quarter?'

'She's on the trail of a pair of Jimmy Choo's.'

Supermarket Aisles: 'Good for the Environment' and 'Couldn't give a flying F@$#! about the environment!'

Everything for a buck.

The Bargain Brand

How much would you take off for cash?

'Could you tell me where the organic locally-grown vine-ripened union-picked kiwis are?'

'I went to see a personal shopper this afternoon. . . I thought I'd surprise you!'

"Do you carry any shampoos that have been tested on little kittens?"

Pets: This animal has not been tested on products.

'Do you have any relaxed fit jeans that aren't quite so relaxed?'

Guilty Pleasures

One Dollar, One Vote

"I can't believe I spent seven million dollars on tights."

"You went to Barneys without me? You slut!"

Self Magazine,

Mexican Dog

Vendo Tree.

"It's about time the price of generic drugs went down! Oh, and give me fifty quick picks."

'Let's shop faster. I need the exercise.'

"I don't need one, Gracie. My shopping list is very simple! Things I have a coupon for and things that are on sale!"

How do you like the new suit?

Buying roses - 'You got any with no stem?'