Career Raconteur Pillows

"The boss says he can remember the day I first started...but nothing after that."

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

'Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to our new 'health and safety' officer.'

Barman indicates sick bucket, alongside usual ice bucket, saying to attractive woman: 'That's there in case you hear any particularly bad chat-up lines.'

I'm a gangster rap fan too!

'Oh, really? I work for little softy.'

'Here goes the second bottle of champagne... I think it would be fair of You to tell me what are my chances so I know whether to order another bottle or not...'

"I was just ringing to see if you got the e-mail about the letter I sent you?"

"Back in the day, this pub was full of young, long-haired radicals, hell-bent on changing the world."

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

"Bartleson, are we cronies yet?"

And that, gentlemen, is my opinion for what it's worth.

"He assured me the merger is nothing to worry about."

"I'd like to be the first to welcome you to our company. But, I've decided not to hire you."

"I'll need a three iron."

"You bet I had it mounted, it gave me the best fight of my life."

"The employer-employee bond is sometimes difficult to sever."

"This is juicy - tell me more!"

Social butterfly

How was your week on the lake? Twig fell in lo-love! Oh, tell me! Why did I say that? Now I'll never find out anything. Relax, momster. $20 and I can provide a full background report. Done! Boys are so communicative!

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"

'Even women talk about the one that got away'

"You misinterpreted the news. I've simply had a terrific autumn."

"Old, you've seemed a bit down recently. Do you need anything?"

Brenda always had Safe sex

"I'm the writer, executive producer, and star of my fibs."

"And this is where I met your mum."

I don't consider it to be lying on my resume. I think of it as a revisionist employment history.

"Oh, I'm not arguing. I'm just stating my opinion and ignoring everything you say."

'You can always tell the ones with the big severance buyouts.'

Well, whaddaya know, your insurance DOES cover probes. Check-Out.

"My grant is somewhat restrictive. I have to work only with even numbers."

"You've just been copying things from my sex diary into your sex diary."

'What's up with your mum's stomach?'