Carbon Cruncher Prints

"Cough cough"

I'm using fossil fuel.

'You may now turn over your paper and begin.' - 'Sir!' - 'Yes?' - 'What is it?' - 'I think Train 'A' and Train 'B' might be going to crash!'

'Okay, ladies! We're not just going to burn those calories, we're going to drown them!'

"Somehow, they get exempted from a lot of laws."

Scientist counting microscopic things he can see in his microscope

Why markets crash.

"You were right, I didn't want to stop."

"I love November - the crunch of leaves underfoot... the crisp air... the holiday markets..." "... it getting dark by mid-afternoon..." "Okay, that's less enjoyable."

'Doesn't it feel good to be taking care of our planet?'

'In a sentence or two, Gibbs.'

"No, this is 111110100111101111 ... you want 111110100111101101."

'I used to trade in futures until I learned the planet doesn't have one.'

Profit slump

Given seven minutes to finish, he flashed through the weekly report.

"Please buddy, can you spare a carbon credit?"

Energy performance certificate nailed to wall exhausts employer.

loan

Win-win. Whenever I hear that from you, I want to hide under the counter. New research shows the only proven way to prolong life is caloric restriction. Eat less, live longer. Introducing our new breakfast meal plan: The Fountain of Youth. You get half a muffin and half a glass of water. Sounds meager. Exactly. That's why we're charging $16. But a full muffin only costs $4. And it won't prolong your life. Can you even put a price on immortality? How much should we charge for an empty plate of ai

Exchange Fund

'Just how much carbon are we supposed to offset?'

'I wonder if everyone else is making as much effort as us to reduce global warming.'

'Happy birthday, dear -- it's a carbon offset!'

Tonight's Lecture: Your share of the national debt. That explains my credit rating.

"Hurray! We've solved global warming!"

Hourglass earth - time running out

Net Zero Superstitions

'We'll take a short break in case anyone needs to change their underwear.'

Climate Change Denier's Playbook

'It's difficult to get passioniate about things you can't pronounce.'

Nitrogen Emissions

'According to our cost-benefit analysis, if you don't come up with the solution by Thursday at 2:30 P.M., you can forget about the whole thing.'

"If you really want to experience eternity...try waitin for global agreement on emissions reductions."

Carbon capture and storage

"When they said they wanted to be saved, I assumed they were talking long term."