Car Feature Collector Pillows

My new car is amazing. In addition to its aggressive styling touches, it's got heated arm rests, a back massager and a built-in Wi-Fi 'Hot spot.'"

"I hear you bought a new classic car."

Man has a picture of a rolls on his garage door...the car inside is very different.

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

"In my life, I've had seven cars, six jobs, five houses, four bypass operations, and three wives!"

"As you can hear, it has an engine that purrs ... '

"Do you buy cars here?"

"I want to be straight with you, Cathy—I've gone through a number of cars in my life."

'It seats two comfortably.'

Middle-aged guy spots an available convertible. The mating ritual begins.

'God's speed.'

'You don't have the muscles to buy a muscle car, dear.'

"This car is a retro classic. Instead of a USB outlet there's a cigarette lighter."

"Because you're a mechanic, we're going to do your hydrotherapy in a car pool."

'I'm afraid you'll have to buy a car, sir -- Braxton, here, accidentally sold your car to somebody else.'

'Mom, dad's toasting the new year with the car again!'

"An object of love that you can get inside, totally inside."

'Hi, I'm looking for something small and portable!'

"You bought a 1964 Chevy ragtop Impala?!"

Big yellow sports utility vehicle.

"It's a sports car. It's supposed to be uncomfortable."

"...and it comes with sat-nav, which as you can see the previous owner used all the time."

Acme Flyswatters.

"There it is...the car of my dreams! It's the perfect match! The seat...the steering wheel...they just call my name! I'm not leaving here without it!"

James May

Top model

'But, honey, the girl in the bikini only adds to the awesomeness of my car.'

'It's an '07 model. I JUST finished putting it together.'

'It was owned by a little old lady. Legally, that's all I can say. She still owns the intellectual property rights to her story.'

'It's a British car. Needs braces.'

"This baby can take you from zero to cardiac arrest in 60 seconds!"

'Now can we start a family Nigel?'

No Carrot Sign (like the old 'no radio' signs).

Millipede motorist

'Built in obsolescence: Mini with a wind up gramophone.'