Capitol Comedians Pillows

"I want to dispel the rumor that this redistricting map was drawn by my toddler on an Etch-A-Sketch. . .I'd never met that toddler before."

"Unfortunately Daddy already owes the government about 500,000 Pokemon cards."

"I was going to play the Moonlight Sonata, but I forgot the key."

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

"I plan to read the constitution this weekend. Is it long?"

"They're born into captivity, it's all they know."

Have you hugged your money today?

"Edgar's very politically engaged ever since he began using his vote as an anger management tool."

Man at council planning offices can't get through door due to position of steps.

'Look out, he has a gun!'

"But, Senator, all the cool kids were doing it."

"Your heart won't tolerate any more town-hall meetings."

Now you can buy shares online. "Buy Cher's What?"

Banana Midlife Crisis

'That is one absorbent nappy.'

"We were going to adopt a highway, but Rachel thought there would be less red tape if we adopted an overpass."

Campaign Headquarters: For a $500 contribution, the candidate will shake your hand ans sustain eye contact with you for five seconds.

"There's a fly in my soup."

Junket mail

'I'm looking for a card that says if I didn't get you this, I'd never hear the end of it.'

'Parish Council, working towards obsolescence'

"Actually, my political philosophy is pretty simple: 'Practice Random Gridlock and Senseless Acts of Partisanship!'"

'The committee's decided to call it 'The Club'.'

"Wanna trade an Easter ham salad for an Easter egg salad?"

Music

"It's our duty to vote, but it's their duty to find someone worth voting for!"

"Great job dealing with all those mail-in ballots. Seriously, top notch."

"Thank heavens I saved my teddy bear... he brings me good luck."

"My parents are extreme vegans. I'm not allowed to have a piggy bank."

"Armageddon-hotline, please select your current fer from our menu. . ."

'I realize you're a tax paying American citizen, but you cannot list the government as a dependent.'