Canned Cuisine Critic T-Shirts

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

'Lovely soup, just like my mother used to open.'

'Humans are strange. On one side they're disguisted when they see us eating mice, on the other side they eat stuff like canned ravioli. . .'

'I'm cooking myself some beans for breakfast. Would anyone like one?'

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

Cow's Last Will and Testament.

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

'Oh, and I suppose I'm the only one who's ever heard it's a 'dog eat dog world'?'

6 Brothers Falafel

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

Self Service Restaurant: 'Where do you keep the eggs?'

Newton discovers gravity and apple sauce in the same day.

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

"Maybe if we added some pumpkin spice?"

"War is hell and so is this soup."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Rump roast?"

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

'Needs salt!'

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

"All of tonight's specials dance around the whole GMO thing."

"This is our soft opening."

Hashimoto's Restaurant - Sushi Like Mother Used to Make!

'Is it guilt that when you eat us that we are no longer called pigs but bacon, pork chops or ham?'

"When portions are this huge, I eat half now and the rest in a few minutes."