Calorie Comedian Mugs

"It's not having seconds that's the problem. It's having fifths and sixths!"

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

'Nowadays we want all our food to be ethically sourced, Personally I'd be happy if it was all chocolated sauced,'

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

''Food miles' is a big issue, so I'm reducing the distance my food travels by moving my fridge into the living room.'

I used to eat plenty of natural foods, but then I found out that most people die of natural causes.

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'The customer is always right...'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

Fast Food Dieter

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens in my diet.'

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't.

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

T-shirt reads: 'No Pain, No Pain.'

Weight Gain Denial

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

I grew up vegetarian. Wow. That takes work to stay strong. What motivates you? Hey, lettuce brain! Peer pressure.

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

'I'm fat, I eat too much and my blood pressure is high. . . Have a beer and some chips but feel guilty about it.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'Hundreds of years of medical progress, and all you can tell me to do is eat less?'

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

"Is it working?"

"Nice try Mrs Wimslow"

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'