Calculated Comics T-Shirts

Calculator Jokes

Skipping Horse

"Hulk no can be mad at Mr. Puppy Face"

Grace For Flies

"Fish needs a bigger bowl."

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

International Women's Day

'Look, you can only do so much!'

...And he calls himself the 'Green' Giant...

Batman at the Maternity Ward

'Ahhh...'

"We only got six days of funding."

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

"It's not the persistent lack of sunlight or freezing temperatures that bother me - it's the crowds I can't stand."

Dog chews 'The Cat Book'.

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Either that's Marmaduke with a lizard's head in front of us, or I really mixed up my meds."

I'm going to practice on you before I start managing other people.

"And you're certain these are accidents?"

'‘Because I said so' or ‘Just wait until you have kids of your own' section?'

'Been Away?' A piece of bread looks at a piece of brown toast as if it's got a suntan.

"You mustn't pull the cat's tail so hard it tugs the head inside, sweetie!"

"Now that's what I call customer service!"

"Relax. I just had a vitamin."

Something Wilted This Way Comes.

"Please ask your pet to kindly put down the weapon."

The Amazing Man-Spider

'Sire, Sodom and Gomorrah are requesting Federal disaster relief aid.'