Cafe Manager Pillows

'I don't get it... Our business model was exactly the same.'

"Smoking?or non smoking?"

'The inspectors will never find us here!'

Employees must wear hair nets.

Man puts no credit sign in window as crackpot carrying the world ends tomorrow sign passes

Alf's Cafe - Egg, Bacon and Tomato Plate, Catering Pack.

"Our patrons buy 50% less cocoa on sunny days."

"I suppose you’re wondering why I summoned you, minion." "Not really, boss." "I’ve noticed a disturbing trend: bikinis are getting smaller and smaller, so small, in fact, that they no longer hide anything." "I think it’s about time our cafe took a stand and did something to outlaw this moral decay." "That’s why I’ve arranged for you to hand ‘campaign donations’ to several city councilmembers." "This doesn’t have anything to do with our declining donut sales, does it?" "People should never have t

"Good morning Rudy. I suppose you're wondering why I've summond you....It's time for your annual performance review...."

"So what exactly is wrong with the teabag? Nobody else has complained about it!"

'If this is tea, I'll have a coffee. If it's a coffee, I'll have a tea!'

"The sovereign of Ferenginar commands you to lift your shirt."

A curl of sandwiches

Soup: Cream of Yesterday's Special.

'They are poached eggs, sir -- we grabbed them when the chicken wasn't looking!'

Gadaffi opens a bar in Benidorm to take a few shillings and keep himself busy.

Eat it while it's still £6.50.

Soup of the day £2.50. Soup of last week 50p

"You're drinking the potpourri."

Sorry, Rudy, no way can I raise your pay to $15 an hour. Why not? 'Cause that would destroy jobs. What would you do for a job once I moved the caf

Today's special... donuts.

Narpkins

"Order's up -- One grass-fed free-range peanut butter and jelly dinosaur sandwich."

Two weeks ago: Hear ye, all you tweeting, blogging, Facebooking, Instagramming caf

Two weeks ago

I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp. Really? Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that? They post "reviews" that don

You want me to be a what? A hipster. My research shows caf

Boss, the customers are asking what happened to the stools. What do they mean? The round seat parts are gone. They're just poles sticking out of the floor now. The biggest problem a caf

"I can't take it. She comes in here, monopolizes three tables and just orders krill."

I suppose you're wondering why I've called you in to the café at 3am, minion. Too tired to wonder, boss. It's come to my attention that you're underreporting your cash tips by a whopping average of 0.003%. And that's impacting me. The whole reason I'm allowed to pay you less than minimum wage ... is because tips are supposed to make up the difference. When tips fall short, I'm supposed to raise your pay. I think we can both agree that that's an absolutely unthinkable horror of biblical proportio

Boss, the customers are demanding to know why the muffins taste like ground cardboard. There was a sale on week-old organic oat bran and cardboard muffins. Should I tell them that? Depends. Are the men wearing lumberjack beards and hipster glasses? And are the women wearing Salvation Army clothes and hipster glasses? Yes. Tell them.

I've got to fight through my creative malaise. I've come up with a list of ways to eek out more money from customers. Let's hear 'em. Charge for extra pads of butter. It's okay, but it's boring. Right. How about: Raise coffee prices; sell only day-old pastries; turn out the lights to save electricity ... Boring, boring, boring. Require people to make their own drinks? C'mon, you're not even trying.

14! What does that mean? We started the day with 100 pastries. We sold 85. There should be 15 left. But there are only 14. Overreaction coming. STOLEN SCONE!!! Breathe.

Something's wrong with the economy. What tipped you off, Hoss? There's no route to the middle class. I'm stuck in the service industry. My upward mobility ends at cafe manager. Whoa. I don't have a lot of time for you to be waking up to your circumstances. Is there a better time for me to have a whole life's reckoning? I'm free most of June.

If you can't afford the milk you drink, there are options. I can put you on a payment plan. Minimal APR since you're such a valued customer. Valued?! You hardly treat me like I'm valued, you miser! YOU TREAT ME WITH CONTEMPT! Good point. Maximum APR, then.