Business Journalist Prints

'The market was up today on rumors that the rumors were only rumors...'

'In a dramatic reversal, economists now believe that leading economic indicators are now lagging economic indicators.'

US economy outperforms Europe.

'Today's surprise stock rise was not in reaction to anything. It was entirely unprovoked and spontaneous!'

'Financial news is pretty exciting. It's all about hitting ceilings and falling off cliffs!'

'In the belief that no news is good news, today's financial report has been cancelled.'

"And now for today's financial tip...."

'Four out of five economists agree that economics is indeed 'the dismal science'.'

'Stocks rose on news that '90% of success is just being there.''

'But enough about the dollar . . . lets talk about the Chinese Yuan and Indian Rupee . . . '

August is corporate earnings restatement season.

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

Morgue for Dot Com Stocks

'I today's market news, Greed roared back.'

'Today, stocks rose on the news that the more people have, the more they want.'

"Today the U.S. dollar held steady against the yen, yuan, pound, euro and the Greek 'I.O.U.'"

'The Fed raised interest rates then lowered them then raise them again, just to keep everyone talking about the economy.'

'In commodities today, the price of a barrel of crude dropped against the cost of a cup of Espresso, Cappuccino and Latte.'

"In the 30 seconds since this interview began, the Dow has dropped 3 points -- should we be worried?"

"Stocks closed lower on the news that highs and lows are states of mind related to opiods addiction."

"Today the Federal Reserve announced interest rates will stay the same, but hemlines will rise."

"If all countries are in debt, who's got all the money?"

Stock Market Downturn

"Gold ended the day on a new high, while frankincense and myrrh both opened well but faded as the markets closed."

"Stocks were up on news that the cost of everything is up."

"I see that the dow is up today."

Bad Economic News.

US v.s. Tech Giants

'Before you say anything...'

Stocks dropped on the rumour that the fed is running out of economic quick fixes.

"Today stocks hit a new high, just as global doom and gloom hit a new low."

'You want to take the dog to the park and play? Y'know, not many people realize that's $27-billion-dollar-a-year industry.'

Damning report claims that CEO's are overpaid for under-performance.

"Markets rose slightly today. No one knows why."

How should I know up or down? All I heard was the FT was 74.95.