Burglar Pillows

'And in local news: Someone is hiding behind the drapes.'

"At your age I was out liberating things."

'Oh, crap. I did not see that coming.'

Waste Thinner

"Little Timmy is big enough to use you burglary tools."

'Dear, must you bring your work home with you!'

Safe breaker's diagnosis

'It's a matter of opinion, to me it's a smash 'n' grab, to you it's a window of opportunity...'

'Dogs are from Mars, cats are from Venus.'

'HEy; don't look over my shoulder. That makes me nervous.'

Pensioners On Stair Lifts

'Well hello Jill. I actually picked up the phone to ring the police, but now that you're on, how about coffee on Tuesday?'

Early Ram Raids

"You should have had it double-knotted."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"This is all we have available. It has an accordian front door, a shelf, a phone, and a spectacular view."

'And this is Eddy, he's been giving virtual tours long before computers.'

"I think we could be very happy here until we aren't."

Do you like to talk about Real Estate? Like to meet other men and women who do? Dial the... REAL-ESTATE HOTLINE

"The boogie woogie bugle cat of Company B"

"The last time I was in Europe was 4 boyfriends ago..."

Estate Agent - This house that's 'just what we are looking for' is ours

"I see no problems. We can get lots more of these houses in.."

Homeless count.

'A-1 security from crime ... but can't stand the isolation.'

Early House Hunting.

"If the nanny state wants us to solve the housing crisis they need to get out of the way and let us learn from the leaders in the field..."

"Oh dear! Low-cost housing."

"I found a partial thumbprint. Let's get the heck out of here"

'Can I assume from the rent that this place comes with its own butler?'

'We're looking for a place with no high walls.'

Affordable housing - Mum and Dads.

Jonathan Bugsy Seagull

Noir kitty.

"For sale £470,000 house included"