Budget Therapists Gifts

"He quit online counseling. This gives him the same sympathy, but cheaper."

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

Licensed Therapist

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

"Postwar is hell."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

Couples' therapy

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"If the economy's ground to a halt, we can help by carrying on shopping."

'...and now, Gentlemen, we come to our final lecture in advanced cardiology...'

'I haven't been able to come to grips with it. My hands are too small.'

"Oops! I just deleted all your files. Can you repeat everything you've ever told me?"

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

'I find that a live rhinoceros rather than an invisible elephant speeds things up considerably.'

"You might be interested in our encounter group for people with transmission problems."

Stuff: You Don't Really Need But Still Don't Have.

'We have three minutes left.'

"I feel off. I want to feel off and running."

"It's hard not to take a mutiny personally."

'I get the feeling you're wagging your tale on the outside and crying on the inside.'

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

Shrinks in heaven

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

"Just what emotion is your emotional support dog supporting?"

"Shopping! Now that's what I call quality time!"

'I love shopping for clothing I don't need with money I don't have.'

"Freud doesn't work for you, so I', going to try some Dr. Anthony Fauci..."

A cartoonist at the doctor, in yoga, at home and in therapy

'The way we met was interesting. I opened my wallet and there she was!'

'I see you in five years from now, you're still coming to see me. Do you want me to book the appointments in advance?'

Stockbroker and Psychotherapist: Money won't make you happy and therapy won't make you rich.